Category Archives: Priorities

Dealing with the Nay-Sayers 

Congratulations for doing something new, trying to change your life so that you get more of what you want and less of what you don’t want.  That is an amazing gift you are giving yourself. You may not succeed with every attempt, but with every attempt you will get closer to what you want. That in itself is a win.

I have found that no matter what positive change I am making for myself, there are those I care about who are negative about the change. These are the nay-sayers. They will throw road blocks in your way or make you doubt your commitment with just a quick comment. The comments that are usually most damaging are the ones that come from within your circle of friends and family.

The nay-sayers may not be overt, but you will feel the sting of their comments.  Their comments may be something like these.  “I hope it works.” “Are you sure you really want to do that?” “I would never do that.” “That sounds bad/uncomfortable/icky.”  The lack of support can damage your new habits without you even recognizing it. Don’t let them.  Hear these comments for what they are and what they are not.

Nay-sayers are telling you about their fear of failure or their actual past failure.  Maybe you are trying something new like rock climbing.  The nay-sayer will say “I wouldn’t do that, without a good partner you will get hurt.” Maybe what the nay-sayer is really saying is “I am afraid of rock climbing” or “I couldn’t do it when I tried, I didn’t make it to the top of the wall.”  Neither comment has anything to do with you or your efforts to make positive change in your life. They are both comments about the nay-sayer and their own fears and failures. Don’t let their negative statements derail you from your path.

If you are on your right path, what you are doing for you is far more important than allowing the nay-sayers to sway you from your goals. You are not doing what you are doing to have any impact on them, it is for you. So, let those comments float by you like a fast moving stream after a heavy rain. They don’t mean anything and then they are gone. You can’t get rid of your friends because they do not support everything you do, and once you realize it has nothing to do with you, it is easier to let it go of those comments.

Do you need someone in your corner who cares about what is right for you?  Let me help you along this journey of self enhancement and self care.  My coaching will help you tune into what is best for you, while teaching you to filter out the voices that may not have your best interest at heart.

Follow your lihght,

Jackie

Why I Hired a Coach

 

I haven’t been posting a lot lately. In January, I decided to go on a 6-month journey of self care. There is always so much going on around us, many of us don’t ever put ourselves first.  I am not convinced that we even know what putting ourselves first really means. For me, it was about my health. I have a thyroid condition and while it is something I can manage, I want to heal my body rather than manage it.

This meant changing my diet and starting to look at my health in a completely different way. I did this for 3 months with the help of good smart friends and my doctor.  But it wasn’t getting me as far as I wanted, so I made some changes and additions to my health team. I hired a coach to help me understand what is going on with my body in a way that I can’t know all on my own–someone who will help me manage challenges that have been binding me much of my life and dragging down my health.

Even the coach needs a coach. Everyone needs help sometimes, and sometimes the help you need is bigger than your circle. Our society values independence and self-reliance, and those are amazing skills which we work toward from toddler- thru adulthood. We push boundaries, try to walk on our own, and show frustration when we can’t do something we want to do on our own. It is a normal healthy part of life, but sometimes, in being independent and self-reliant, we forget that it is ok to need the help of others.

For many of us asking for help is one of the hardest things in the world. We often falsely believe that this makes us weak. That isn’t true: It is a sign of strength to ask for help when you need it.  It is sometimes easier and better to ask for help from someone outside of our circle.  There are reasons that sometimes we need a professional to help us.  This was true for me and it is why I hired a coach.

My coach has a big job. It isn’t because I am a bad client, it is because of how important this change is for me and I am not willing to settle. I am not going to pretend that things are working for me when they aren’t and I want to see real change.  Changing your mind and your behavior is tough, and having the support of a trained professional is often needed.  Someone said to me yesterday, “I hope it works.”  My response was, “It will.”  Why? Because it is time. The switch in my brain and body that said real change is necessary finally went off in a way I could hear it and respond.

Has your switch gone off? Are you looking for help in doing something you can’t seem to do on your own or within your circle of friends and loved ones? Maybe it is time to hire a coach.  I have three coaching loves. I started as a leadership coach, and I love helping people be better leaders within their organizations.  I coach the terminally ill to find peace, joy, and happiness at the end of life. There is no greater honor than aiding in someone’s final transition. My third coaching love is helping people find and listen to their inner voice again, and believe their own intuition.  It is so easy in to stop listening to our inner voice–not the one driven by ego and fear, but the one that knows what is right for us and will lead us to exactly what we need, if we are brave enough to let the voice be heard.

If you want help moving forward, get in touch with me. I would be grateful and honored to help you move forward.

Wishing you peace and joy,

Jackie

Find Your Voice!

 

Know how to tell loved ones what you wantWhen you lose your voice, you are unable to say what you want.  It means that others make decisions for you, and you may be left without what you want.  When you are dying, a lot of your strength goes toward maintaining your energy and life.  You will do other things. You will go to the doctors. You will see people you love.  You will take care of the “to dos.”

But will you use your energy to find your voice?

You will have a lot of quiet time, and in that quiet time you will do a lot of thinking. Thinking about your life. Thinking about your relationships. Thinking about any regrets you have. Thinking about what you want to do with the rest of your life.  You will think about death, specifically — your death.  You will likely have hopes for what you want at the time of your death.  You might even make some decisions about what you want at that moment and in the moments leading up to your crossing over.

You may decide you want to die at home.  You may decide you want to stop your treatments because they are making you feel sicker and you want to enjoy your time. You may decide you don’t want to die alone—you want your loved ones there. There are lots of decisions you may make in this quiet time.  These decisions are yours.  It is your right. It is your life.

Now is the time to find your voice. 

Until you share these decisions, they live only in you.  You cannot ensure your wishes will come true until you voice what you want. You have to tell people what you want and what you don’t want.

Make your voice heard.

Consider Jerika Bolen’s example. A 14-year-old girl with Type 2 Spinal Muscular Atrophy, she used her voice to say she is ready to let go of the pain she feels every day. In a recent interview, Jerika said “I was ready a long time ago, but I kept going. After that surgery — it didn’t work and my pain got worse — I kind of sat down and thought, ‘Am I doing this for me or for my family?’ I kind of realized I was doing it for my family.”  Jerika found her voice.  She stopped doing what everyone wanted her to do, and started making decisions and sharing those decisions with those who loved her and could help her make what she wants a reality (Read more about her story here http://www.wusa9.com/news/girl-14-with-incurable-disease-makes-heartbreaking-decision-to-die-1/274264618.)

Your voice allows others to know that you have made decisions. Finding your voice may not be easy, but it is your life and your death.  According to Jerika, “there is a peace in being able to confront the inevitable on her own terms.”  You don’t have to make Jerika’s decisions, but give your voice to what you do want and find your peace.  Once you have made some decisions about what you want at the end of your life, you can find your voice. Share your wishes with your loved ones, and move forward to make your wishes your reality.  That is what is important.

Find your Voice

 

If you need some help in figuring all this out and finding your path, please contact me Jackie@yourwellfinishedlife.com

Don’t Forget the Fun

How do you spend your time? Are you spending it resting, doing things you must to do, and going to and from the doctors. Where’s the fun? What brings you joy?

find-joyYou are still living, so why not live your best life? Have as much fun and joy as you can stand. When you reach a point when you can’t do what you want, don’t you want amazing memories of love, fun, and joy to carry you through? The memories that will make you happy are likely to be the ones of going to the doctors, cleaning the house, and doing errands. I would expect that the memories you will treasure are the ones that bring you pleasure. So, don’t you want more of those than of the ones that don’t?

Don’t forget in the process of dying, you are still living. Find the joy! Do what makes you happy! Stop worrying about doing things that don’t really matter! At this point in your life, the most important things are those that make you happy. Enjoy this time.

Wishing you joy, love, and peace

Jackie

If you need some help, please contact Jackie Brucker at Jackie@yourwellfinishedlife.com for coaching.

Don’t wait to say goodbye

Oceans of loveDon’t wait until the last possible moment to tell someone “I love you?” “I will miss you.” “Wow, I wish you weren’t dying, life will not be the same.” Saying a final goodbye means you know someone is dying and you may not see them again.

Why wait till the last time you see someone to tell them how you feel? Who doesn’t want to hear “I love you.” “I will miss you.” “You are so important to me.” “I can’t imagine life without you in it.” Why wait to say whatever it is you need or want to say to someone you love? The only mistake you can make is not speaking from the heart.

Wouldn’t it be worse to wait and miss the opportunity to tell your loved one or friend how you feel? I think that would be much harder to live with than saying what you feel in your heart. Follow your heart, you can’t go wrong!

When to Hire a Coach at the End-of-Life

It may seem counterintuitive to hire a coach at the end-of-life. Some of you may not need it. Some of you may benefit from a safe place that was created only for you to sort through what you want at the end of life. How do you figure out if a coach is right for you, listen in to my video blog? If this is something you might find helpful, please feel free to reach out to me.

Day 10 of Joy

Today is the last post in our 10 day series. It’s New Year’s Eve! Today’s joy post could only be about finding joy in new beginnings. A new beginning doesn’t have to happen when the calendar tells us there is a momentous event, such as a birthday, new year, or even a new month.

Every day is a new beginning with the possibility of finding joy! .

Resolutions fail often because they are too large a goal and something that is hard to maintain. What if your resolution for 2015 was to find joy in every day. Each day you have the opportunity to start over and find a new joy. How much happier would your life be if you found something joyful in each and every day? I challenge you to try and find out!

Keep finding your joy and never give up. If you fail one day, remember, tomorrow is a new beginning.

Finding Joy!

Day 9 of Joy

While spending some time outside, I heard the song of a lovely bird and saw beautiful flowers growing in the cold weather. There is so much beauty and joy in nature, if we just look and listen around us. I often miss the beauty around me. The cars on the road mute the song of the birds. I spend more time inside than I should, and I miss the blooming flowers and beautiful trees. So, I have been spending a bit more time looking for the joy in nature, and finding it. Can you spend some time and enjoy the nature around you?

Finding Joy

Never Know What to Say???

Have you ever wondered what to say to someone who was sick? To their family? An op-ed piece in the Los Angeles Times on April 7, 2013 written by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman might help. They won’t give you the words to say, but they do give you a bit of perspective on how to direct your statements of comfort or expressions of discomfort.

The Ring Theory, which Silk and Goldman describe and created, states that the person who is facing the medical crisis can say anything to anyone. This person is in the middle of the ring. To start building the ring, write out this person’s name and draw a circle around it. For example, if a child, Ben, is having an operation, then Ben’s name goes in the middle circle. Ben can say anything to anyone. He can cry, whine, complain, or scream. Then draw a larger circle around Ben, and put the person closest to Ben in this circle. Likely this will be Ben’s parents.

Silk and Goldman’s theory says that your job is to provide comfort to those in rings closer to the center than you. If you want to express a fear or discomfort, you must share that only with people in your ring or ones larger than yours. So those in this second circle (i.e. Ben’s parents) will provide comfort to Ben. They will likely never share their fears with Ben, because that wouldn’t be comforting. Then draw another ring around the previous two. In this ring are the next closest people, likely brothers and sisters and possibly grandparents. Ben’s parents can share their fears with those in this circle, but the folks in this circle will only provide comfort to Ben and Ben’s parents. A bit further out are the Ben’s friends, and then even further out would be the parents of the friends. I think you get the idea.

I love this! So often we worry about what to say and if we will say the wrong thing. If we always remember to provide comfort in and keep our concerns and fears out, then we will not say anything too burdensome to a person who is closer to the situation than we are.

What if you don’t know what circle someone falls in? If you are at all unsure, then say only comforting things. Just keep your concerns to yourself. You surely have a trusted friend to whom you can share your angst.

What a blessing to help us ensure that we aren’t putting our fears and concerns on those already dealing with so much. I hope this is something you will use and find helpful.

To see the full article, go here….it is worth the read. http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407,0,2074046.story

Living Life Fully

This week Valerie Harper shared with the world that she has an inoperable brain tumor that will end her life. She was told that she has as little as 3 months to many years to live. She said she is going to “live each day’s moments fully.”

This got me thinking about living fully. In my mind, living life fully doesn’t mean being extremely busy, but living with purpose and meaning. Ms. Harper has relative confidence that at some point in time, sooner rather than later, the brain tumor will end her life. But the fact is that we are all dying. Maybe not today, tomorrow, or even in the next few years, but it is inevitable. Unlike Valerie Harper, we don’t know the likely cause of our death, but does that mean we shouldn’t “live each day’s moments fully?”

When we “know” we are dying we want to make the time count. Why not make the time count right now? Why not ensure that we have done what we want to do with those we enjoy, so that when our time is at an end– we feel we have lived our life fully?

In many ways, I see it as a gift to know that your life is coming to an end. It forces you to think about what you want in the rest of your life, how you want to die, and with whom you want to spend your time. If you die tragically in an accident, you don’t have the opportunity to think decide what you want and get it. But do we really need to wait until we receive a fatal diagnosis to live our lives fully? I don’t think so. Maybe today we say, from this day forward, I am going to live my life fully—exactly as I want to.